A friend of mine is unwillingly writing a book full of stories about life on a cruise ship. I say unwillingly because he is the sort of man that never would have written a book had it not been for the fact that a famous drummer he wanted to work with misunderstood that his life’s work was not in fact a book already, but an app. This drummer despised apps, as it turned out, admitting that as a young girl she was bitten by a feral app while walking home from school and has never full recovered. “I Could Write a Book” is a song in the app, he thought, I wonder if it’s true.
To encourage this unlikely pursuit, I’ve created a few potential characters for him that I imagined could take up residency on a cruise.
name: shayna wallbanger
occupation: cumbersome groupie, hysterical dictator
likes: hats that cast a giant shadow, hands on her shoulder, all sorts of prayers, cigarettes that make a scene
dislikes: not being able to hear her sonata, lousy sinners, waiting for something to happen, clumsy hands
talents: pointing out kindred souls, necessary disorders, hogging the sun
name: mrs. lou fox
occupation: cruise spy, rearranger of things
interests: breaking and entering, confessions by the pool
avoids: birthdays, anything made of paper
mission: a low-grade afternoon hangover, victory
name: tatianna vitti
occupation: seahorse breeder, virgin mary stunt double
likes: dark reds on the walls, warm and cold at the same time, power of the metaphor
dislikes: not enough attention, fondling of spikes, being declared dead
talents: describing you behind the scenes, acting out the answers, voodoo roses, unscientific gestures
name: peter rabbittt
occupation: court chemist
likes: scented gardens for the blind, orange as it lays along the ground, months like exotic flowers, boats without dignity, the hour of ghosts, rooms of fortune.
dislikes: wearing white gloves and other romantic bullshit, rushing down stairs, numbers who double back, princesses, cave flutes, and to do his job.
